Changes

Wow. How time flies. It has been commented upon a few times recently that I have neglected to write in my blog.... Again. The trouble is, I've been feeling rather uninspired in life generally, and when I'm feeling uninspired I have difficulty summoning up the motivation to write. When I'm busy and have lots going on, I have lots I want to say. If I'd written anything in the last few weeks, it would have been simply boring. Trust me, even I'm bored with myself. Actually no, not bored, just settled. Or at least I was.

Last Friday, my life reached a point that I knew it would eventually. It was however, somewhat earlier than expected. And no, I'm not pregnant. But in the last year or so, I've become very comfortable in my nice little life in the country. I got married, I've made friends in town, and every day I wake up next to my husband and don't think too much about changing anything. Frankly, given the last few years of quite some turmoil, I'm just happy we made it this far. Now though, Andy is going to be working in Melbourne. Box Hill to be precise. Still working for the same organisation, but in a great new role. A role that will give him great experience, and where he gets to focus on something he's passionate about. I'm absolutely thrilled to bits for him.

Trouble is, it's in Melbourne. I'm not. The other trouble is, at this stage, it's only likely to be for 6 months. This makes things a little difficult for me. Do I apply for jobs in Melbourne, and risk that in 6 months time he'll be back here because his job finishes? Or do I wait, and we spend 6 of the first 10 months of our married life living separately? To be honest, I'm ready for something different, work-wise. It's just a matter of the right position coming up. It's also a matter of making some decisions. Honestly, I feel like if I don't go to Melbourne, then we've ended up in the exact same position that I moved to Alex to avoid - us living in different places. If I do move to Melbourne, and then at the end of April he's back in Alex, well there we are again.

I feel like I have lost control of my cosy life. It's not that the things that are happening are bad, it's just that they're somewhat out of my control. I don't do well with "just wait and see". I certainly don't do well with "it'll all work out in the long run". Really not well at all.

Looking forward

I am officially on holidays. Yippee I say. Yippee should say you. So I thought I would do a list of all the things I'm looking forward to in the next 2 1/2 weeks.
1. A very important 3rd birthday fairy party. My niece has been excited about it for so long that she has had to be banned from waking up and asking if it's her birthday until after Aunty Tam arrives. Her parents are very cunning. Nearly-3 year old has outsmarted the, and is now asking each morning upon waking up, "is Aunty tam here?"
2. Seeing my 8 month old nephew. He will have grown up so much in the 3 months since I last saw him... He's shuffling himself around the floor and generally being cute.
3. Being woken up at 630am every morning with a cuddle from a newly 3 year old. I'm hoping that at least occasionally I'll be able to go back to sleep while she plays quietly. Smehow I'm not told incident is will be possible.
4. Visiting a new country. I'm going to Bali, Indonesia. Definitely not somewhere I would ever have chosen to go, but now that we are going, I'm looking forward to it.
5. My little twin brother's wedding. All my family will be staying in a beautiful villa for 3 days together to help celebrate.
6. Lying by a gorgeous pool, swimming, reading books and generally relaxing for a week after the wedding.
7. NOT thinking about work for 2 weeks. Heh. Heh. Who am I kidding? That's not going to happen, but I'm going to make a concerted effort not to think about it too much.

I'm going to enjoy this holiday to the absolute depths of fun and relaxation, because it's likely to be the last one for a while.

Don't miss me too much!

Glamorous.

Travelling for work is not glamorous. It might sound like it should be, staying in nice hotels, going to exotic locations, seeing the sights. Unfortunately though, most of the time, the hotels can be variable, the locations not so exotic, and you see more of the inside of a conference room than any sights there may be.

I remember the first time I went overseas for work.... it was about 3 1/2 years ago, and I was very excited. This was back when I still thought that travelling for work was going to be fun. This trip put paid to that idea. It was only to NZ, but still, it is technically overseas...

It started with a 4 hour plane trip. This part was fun. I like flying. Once I got to Auckland airport I was greeted by the colleague who was coming with me. He was drunk. He's since been fired, but that's another story. A 3 hour drive to our destination was one of the most painful experiences of my life so far. I honestly wanted to open the door and shove this man out while I was still driving at 100km/h. I restrained myself, and we made it to the hotel ok. None of the people we were meeting there were surprised when we arrived at 7pm and I got room service rather than seeing them (and my car-friend) for dinner. By this stage I was already lonely. The sheen was wearing off.

The following day I went and set up our stand for the expo... that was why I'd come (we won the award for best stand. I rock). I went for a lovely walk in the sunshine, and I headed back to the hotel for dinner. Some other people had arrived for the expo, and we had a fun dinner. Things were looking up.

That night at midnight, I was awoken from a very deep sleep to one of the most difficult phone calls I've ever received, that started one of the most difficult periods of my life. I was hysterical and in tears. I calmed down, checked out of the hotel, got in the car, drove the 3 hours back to the airport and by 5.30am was on a plane back to Melbourne. I didn't sleep on the plane, and when I got to Melbourne airport I hopped back in my car and drove the 2 1/2 hours home. Peak hour traffic's a bitch. Sometimes, you just don't need sleep.

I'm not sure if this experience has scarred me, or whether it's just that travelling for work really is crap. I worry when the phone rings, especially if I come out of a session and i've got 4 missed calls. I worry that something's happened, when in reality it's just more work. Now that all my travelling is within the state, really it generally just involves a great deal of driving. Often I can spend as long getting somewhere as I do there. And it's so frequent. I'm away for at least one, often two or three nights every few weeks at the moment. And the people I'm seeing are, as a general rule, not my friends. If I'm going to be away from home in strange places, I'd at least like to be doing it with friends. Unfortunately not.

I'm writing this from a hotel room somewhere far away. Could you tell?

Spring has Sprung

Winter is over. Spring has Sprung. It's amazing how this lovely weather can change how you feel about the world. It's light in the morning, it's still light at 6pm. This is absolutely my favourite time of year - night times and mornings are still crisp and cold, but when I sit in the sun during the day, I can remember once again what it's like to feel truly warm. It also brings home just how long it is since I've actually felt truly warm.

I'm looking forward to summer**. Tra la la la la.

**Just wait until I start complaining about how hot my house is and how I can't sleep because it's still 30 degrees at night.

Looking forward

So I need some sort of a plan. I don't know whether it needs to be a short-term plan, a medium-term plan or a long-term plan. Perhaps I need all three. Who knows. I guess I should.

I want to go to Canada

I want to go to Europe

I want to go driving to outback South Australia

I'd love to do the Top End again.

I want a job that's fulfilling and hopefully, where I earn more money. I mean, nobody wants to earn less money, do they?

I have fitness goals

I have weight goals

I have money goals

 And I definitely plan to have a baby at some point.

I think the gap between the ideas of goals that I have, and what I need to make them into plans is the plan part. How I'm going to make those things happen. Lots of life relies on things out of my control. Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Right there, not one of my strengths. Control freak. I think that sometimes that stops me from having the strength to change the things I can, or perhaps it's just the motivation that's lacking at the moment. I'm not a patient person. Once I've made a decision, I like to be able to see results right away. I know that's not always practical, so that's something I'm going to work on. Don't be deterred if things don't happen right away.

Create the plan, stick to the plan.

Feast vs. Famine

For what seems like forever, I've had very little to do. Actually, when I think about it more closely, it hasn't been forever, but it has been a few months. Basically since I came back to work after our wedding and honeymoon. It's funny how the less you have to do, the longer it seems to take. I'm possibly experiencing the much spoken about "post-wedding depression," but I think there's more to it than that. I'm someone who likes to be busy. In fact, often I'm busy to the point of ridiculous. I plan things, I organise things, to the point where at various stages I have to actually plan to do nothing. If I'm not busy, I get sad. I have too much time to think. Lately I've been like that because I've had a massive void in my life... hours and hours to fill with mindless nonsense. That time has been Monday to Friday, generally between about 8am and 4.30pm.

WHAT? I hear you say. Are those not the typical "work hours". Yes they are. You are correct dear friends. I've had nothing to do at work. As a combination of a restructure, post-end of financial year (read: post-projects finishing) and general timing issues, I've been floating. It's been a veritable famine of work.

However, in looking at my calendar for the next 2 1/2 weeks until I go away, I am either away or out of the office for every day except one. From one extreme to the other. Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased I'm going to be busy. I'm actually really, really looking forward to it. I just wish that I hadn't had to endure the famine in order to get to the feast. Now I just hope that once I'm back from holidays, the fun will continue!

Customer What?

This morning I heard a story about bad customer service. You know what that is.... in fact, many people are probably more familiar with bad customer service than they are with good customer service. So I wondered....what is it about customer service that makes it so difficult to get right? Surely it's not that hard to hire people who are polite, friendly, and who genuinely want to create a positive experience for and interaction with their customers.

Unfortunately, it seems to come down to individuals. Some individuals will bend over backwards and go out of their way completely to make sure a customer is happy. Others clearly won't, and seem just not to care. A recent experience with Telstra provided me with examples of both within the same 35 minute (!!!!) phone call.

After my husband having to ring Telstra to have me added as an "authorised" on our account for the SECOND time (no problem with once, but when it's already been done and they've spoken to me many times previously, "um, hello, look at the notes on the account" it makes me cross), I finally was able to speak to someone about an internet bill that was higgledy-piggledy. To begin with, the first person I spoke to spent an entire 15 minutes asking me to read out the account number, then to read it out again, then telling me that no, that's not correct, i must be reading the wrong account number. Can't I see it? It's at the top right hand of the page. By this stage, having read out the account number AND the mobile number associated with the account possibly 5 times, I was beginning to get rather agitated because in fact, I am not an idiot, I can read where it says in bold letters ACCOUNT NUMBER. She then asked me t he bill number. Apparently this is also a bill number that doesn't exist, and I must be reading the wrong thing. Was this in fact my first bill for this account? Despite me having told her that I had two bills in front of me, both with the same account number, and yes, in the same place at that.

Thankfully, she then put me on hold, and without saying a word, put me through to another "customer service operator." This person admitted right up front that they were unable to help with this kind of account (honesty that I appreciated by this stage), and put me on hold while they found somebody who could help me. Finally, I found someone who spent 5 minutes talking to me about the bill, what had happened, and put me on hold while he worked out what to do. Apparently in this time, he spoke with another colleague who is an expert in these accounts (who would have thought a wireless internet account could be such a challenge?), and whilst I was on hold for longer than I was expecting, when he came back to me, he apologised for the extra wait, but he had wanted to make sure he had a solution.

So, after $10 a month telstra credit to account for the difference in what I was TOLD I would be getting initially, fixing the current bill, telling me the new amount to pay and generally being pleasant to talk to, what started off as a negative experience turned into a completely positive one. The lovely guy apologised for the wait, apologised that the mistake had been made in the first place, and made sure I understand what was happening next.

Surely, that's not so difficult?

A little list.

I've been inspired to start writing again. It's been some time, as anybody who looks back through my previous posts will realise very quickly. It's been a busy time, and lots of things have changed.

Anyway, I thought I'd re-start my blog with a list (inspired by Jeanie).

A list of things I never thought I'd do (or do again):

1. Live in the country.
Melbourne city girl, that was me. Ah, how love changes us. I'll be a Melbourne city girl again one day, but I'm a country girl for now, and I'm happy about that.

2. Have a career.
I've never known what I wanted to be when I grow up. I have worked lots of different jobs, one for 6 years, but still, I was never quite satisfied. I'm not quite satisfied in my job right now either, but I can see that it's heading somewhere. The only reason I'm not satisfied now is that I've been in this position long enough and learned enough. Now I need a new challenge. It's coming....

3. Insist that our bed be made every morning.
Not only does it have to be made, but it has to be smoothed out and be straight. Inevitably this leads to me being the one who has to make the bed every morning, because dear husband just can't seem to get it quite right. Don't ask me why, but it irritates me immensely to come home from work in the afternoon to a bed that is all skewiff. As a child, I would rarely ever make my bed. I never understood people who did it every day, I didn't see the point. My mum would laugh to read this.

4. Get up 4 mornings a week to exercise.
I honestly thought that all those years of getting up at 4.30am to swim 6 mornings a week had ruined me for normal exercise forever. Now I do group training 2 mornings a week and pilates 2 mornings a week. I so enjoy my sleep in on Wednesdays!

5. Think that having muscles so sore that it hurts to walk is a good thing.
Kind of related to number 4, but currently every movement causes me pain, and yes, it's a good thing.

Life altering

It's been a very long time since I've posted anything on this blog. I find it very interesting that the last post I wrote was about the transition from being a child to being a "proper" adult. I think I may have finally made that transition. I am in the process of making some very big changes in my life. For so long, I've been working for my dad, driving back and forth to Alexandra, trying to be everywhere all at once and succeeding in not really properly being anywhere. All of a sudden, after possibly the most stressful year of my life, I made the decision that I needed to make some decisions. Adult decisions. Difficult decisions. Life altering decisions.

So - now my life is changing. I'm thrilled about it. Nervous, but thrilled.

Sleepless in my life

When I was little, all I wanted was to be grown up. To be an adult. To have a grown up life. To do the things that grown ups were allowed to do. It all seemed like such fun.

Funny, at the time when people said to me "these are the best days of your life, enjoy them while you can," I did as I'm sure many others before me had done. I laughed bitterly and thought to myself... "yeh, what a typical grown up thing to say. You can't possibly understand what it's like to be me in my life." etc. etc.

Now, I wish i was 15 again. or even 20. Even at 20 you're not a proper adult. I wonder at what age that transformation from child to adult finally takes place. Obviously it's a gradual thing, but at what point did it suddenly become all about just coping with life day to day instead of enjoying it?

Being grown up is not all it's cracked up to be.

I can't sleep. I wish I could. Surely this is just the insomniac in me writing. Sometimes having too much time to yourself to think is not a good thing.

HELP!

I like things the way I like them. There's nothing wrong with that.

I like things the way i plan them. There's nothing wrong with that either.

I don't like things to change.

Actually that's not true. I am ok when things change, just as long as I know in advance. Do not spring change on me at the last minute. I might snap. Seriously snap.

I plan. I organise. I like to be on time. I like to know what's happening, where and when and with whom. IN ADVANCE. I like to feel in control. I like to be in control. I need to be in control.

Oh. I've just realised something. I think I might be a control freak.

Won't you help me please?

Help.

Lily I love you!

I love Lily Allen. Seriously... i think i'm in love with her. Well... with her lyrics anyway. So much of the contents of her songs really seem to resonate with me and reverberate within me. The funny thing is, that in trying to think of some specific lines to relate to you, I can't think of any. I know almost all of the words to almost all of her songs, but I think it's the real effect culminates with the lyrics and the music of the whole album together.

She's a genius! On top of her music, I really admire someone in the public eye who has the guts to speak their mind and tell it like it is. It seems sometimes that the world is just full of fluff, so it's refreshing to hear someone who's happy to cut right through it.

I think i'd like to be that gutsy. And that clever!

And i'm very upset i missed out on tickets to both her Melbourne concerts in June and I am loathe to have to pay twice the price for them on Ebay... but it is something I might just resort to.

Have you ever?

Have you ever missed someone so much you just want to cry; someone that you just saw yesterday, and the day before. But someone you haven’t spoken to properly for such a long time. And somehow you’re just not quite sure how to make them understand.

Have you ever had so much going on in your life and needed just one person to talk to. Just one, but it has to be the right one. It’s not their fault they’re not there. Sometimes life just conspires against us.

Have you ever felt so upset but not really known why? It seems silly. Selfish. Needy. Frivolous even. All those things you swore you’d never be but you just can’t work out what’s going on in your own head, much less in your heart.

Have you ever felt lost in your own life? In need of something but just not quite sure what. You can’t put a finger on it. You can’t explain it. You need some kind of reassurance, you don’t know what for, but you know you need it.

Have you ever felt like even though you’re lost, you want to lose yourself in something. Anything.

Have you ever had the feeling it's not actually you i'm talking about?

Yesterday....

....all my troubles seemed so far away....because i saw....

The Biggest.

Helibopper.

Ever.

His name is Elvis. And he's my neighbour.

Scale

There is a big difference between seeing pictures of things and seeing them in real life, whatever the circumstances and no matter how amazing the photos.

Last year at the end of a trip around Australia with some friends I went to Ayers Rock. It is a stunningly beautiful area. How can one rock be so much? Before we got there, I actually had very little interest in visiting it. "It's just a stupid rock," I thought. I only agreed to go there because we were drivig home within just a few hours of it, and it seemed a waste not to. It's not as if I was ever going to make a special trip there just to see it... "It's one of those things every Australian should see," I'd been told. So I went.

I don't even know how to describe the feeling that came over me as I saw it in the distance, and remained with me as we approached. I couldn't understand how something I had seen in so many photos right throughout my life could at once be so the same and yet so very different. How could it be so familiar and yet so brand new? Surely, you would think i would have learned by now, that as brilliant as modern photography is, one thing it cannot and will never be able to accurately portray is scale.

Anybody who has ever looked at real estate photos probably has a good grasp of this. Anybody who has tried to insist to friends that their holiday photos "just don't do it justice." Anybody who has driven down the Hume or Melba Highways in the last couple of weeks will also begin to have an understanding- anybody who has seen the loss and devastation on the faces of those who have lost everything, and the stress and worry of those who still feared they might.

Many people have said to me recently, "I've read the newspaper and found myself crying," or "oh isn't the news just so sad at the moment - those poor people." The generosity of Australians and the world has been amazing, obviously many people are aware that this disaster is beyond the realms of anything most Australians have ever endured. However, I think the only people who can even begin to understand the real scale of this catastrophe are those whose lives have been irreparably changed: those who have lost friends or relatives, those who have lost their homes and memories. Those people now have to begin the mammoth task of trying rebuild their lives. and that's something I am certain they don't want people taking photographs of. They don't want strangers thinking they understand something the scale of which they cannot possibly understand and something to which no photograph can ever do justice.