Some things suck when they end. Some things suck before they ended, which is why they ended, but somehow manage to suck MORE once they've ended. It's terrible when you want to fix something, but you don't quite know how to go about doing it without sinking back into the suckiness, and without completely losing every inch of pride and inner strength you thought you had.
On a sad note that's a much bigger deal than my pride: A guy I know committed suicide on Friday. He went to a hotel room, wrote a note, and was found two days later. He was only 30, and he seemed to have absolutely everything going for him. He was good looking, had a good job, a beautiful wife, a happy marriage, an awesome dog. Despite all of that, he was depressed. He had just come off his medication after a number of years, and he just killed himself.
It was planned.
He organised a time and place to kill himself.
I'm stunned. I have never personally known anyone who has committed suicide before. In fact, apart from elderly people, only one of my friends has ever actually died, and she was in Bali.
I just wonder, what was it that tipped him over the edge? What made him decide that there was nothing in this world worth living for, worth staying alive to experience?
I'm terribly upset about it, and I didn't even know him that well. I house-sat for them and and babysat their dog 3 or 4 times, and I teach his nieces piano. I lived across the road from him for 2 years. I went to his Christmas party and got drunk with him. I used to go across the road on random nights and drink a couple of bottles of wine with them. He loved life.
And yet,
He found nothing worth living for.
Not a minute of happiness or rejoicing in the present.
He thought the world would be better off if he was dead.
He thought HE would be better off dead.
Dead. He made the decision. He took the action.
No matter how many different ways I say it, I just don't think I can quite comprehend it.
I had such a good day today, and then I found out three just plain shit things in one hour.
Why does shit like this happen? How can this be part of life?
3 comments:
oh tammiodo, i don't know you at all but i felt big things for you when i read that post. the room kinda went all quiet at my end, and the sound of the fire crackling suddenly seemed very loud. there's nothing anyone can say to make it easier, but you can make sure you go easy on yourself. scale back hard things for a little while, take long baths and eat warm food. be gentle with yourself while your heart and brain correspond over something so huge. you poor thing.
Thankyou so much mksp. I am feeling like there are massive things in my life at the moment, and I just can't quite work out how to get past the obstacles. I am fluctuating from being ridiculously content and happy with my life, to completely uncertain about myself and what's going on around me. I think i'll get horrendously drunk, and then get on with helping (rather than hindering) my brain to work things out.
sounds like a plan. i never underestimate the value of a night on the tiles, for perspective-regaining purposes.
i can relate to that roller-coaster you describe. i find myself very susceptible to my environment - too porous and reactive to stimuli, whether it's good or bad. like a nasty conversation can get me down for a week, or a beautiful film can keep me afloat. though the time differential is always skewed against the good stuff; the effect of the bad stuff seems to last longer.
the answer is obviously to get drunk and fall over.
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